This is a warning guys! Are you sure you want to learn Spanish? Are you really, really sure? Yeah, I know, everyone says Spanish is so great and useful and a beautiful language and spoken in a lot of countries and and and… But has anyone ever told you about the downside of this language? How dangerous it can be? How humiliating? How frightening? I guess not. Real friends don’t just show you the sunny side of things and I will be your real friend. This is not an Instagram account where everything is happy and great and beautiful and awesome. This is the real 💩. So be prepared to get to know the truth.
Vowels of Horror
It’s true, they are not your friends even though at first sight they seem to be cute and likeable but no, they are your worst enemy. They are like a jealous partner and capable of anything. If you cheat on them they can make your life miserable. You don’t believe me? Well, you poor deluded fool, quit reading and learn the hard way. For all the others read carefully so that the vowels won’t have a chance to ruin your life.
The embarrassing chicken soup
Imagine you are on your summer vacation in Spain and after swimming all day in the pool, having cold drinks and eating lots of frozen yogurt and a night sleeping in a very well air conditioned room with 14º you finally catch a cold. Damn, this is ruining your vacation but what did Granny always say? Oh yes: “My dear, there’s nothing a bowl of chicken soup won’t cure.” So you are dragging yourself to the supermercado and with the last little drops of energy you ask one of the employees: “Necesito una sopa de polla.” The employee makes a funny face, gets his colleagues and asks you to repeat what you have said. You repeat “Necesito una sopa de polla.” The employees look at each other and they all start cracking up. They are laughing so hard that they can’t talk anymore and every time you try to say something they just get more hysterically. So after a while you leave downhearted without the chicken soup and since you feel so miserable you call your Spanish friend to ask him what the hell was going on. After laughing at you as well he explains: “Well, you told them that you need a penis soup.” So please remember: pollo = chicken, polla = penis (well, rather the more vulgar word for penis, which I am not allowed to write here 🤭)
This is the story about Cindy and how she almost killed her new boyfriend. Cindy was a girl from Lanford, Illinois that decided to leave her hometown to explore the big wide world. So Cindy saved some money and started her adventure travelling to Madrid, Spain in order to learn Spanish and start her tour through Europe. What a great decision! Happy and excited she stepped out the plane, spread her arms and shouted: Hola Españaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…… while she fell down the stairs. Lying on the floor and listening to her body if everything is alright her first thought was: What a miserable start! But when she turned her head, she looked into two beautiful brown eyes filled with concern and warmth. “Are you okay?” said the young men with a deep, calming voice and a strong Spanish accent. Cindy could not answer, she was mesmerized by his looks. Short dark hair, tanned skin, a beautiful smile and his strong arms around her shoulders. I must be in heaven or in Spain, she thought. That was the moment when Cindy fell in love with Jorge, her saviour. Fast forward, first date bla bla in love bla bla so happy together bla bla love of my life bla bla awesome sex bla bla…. Well, just two people heavily in love annoying everyone around them with matching outfits and updating their social media status with “so in love”, “soul mates” or “if I know what love is, it is because of you”. Damn, I just realized I am a bitter single 🤔…. Well, never mind, let’s go on with the story. Jorge did not speak a lot of English and Cindy hardly Spanish so Cindy was eager to learn Castellano. She went to a Spanish school and decided to only speak Spanish with Jorge so that she would learn faster. One day Cindy went out with some classmates and had a couple of margaritas, well, to be exact 12. She hardly remembered how she made it home and when she woke up in the morning next to Jorge she felt awful. Cindy rushed to the bathroom in order to call Huey on the big white telephone. Jorge woke up from those strange sounds Cindy was making and knocked on the bathroom door. “Are you okay?” said the young men with a deep, calming voice and a strong Spanish accent. (I love copy and paste). That was actually the only English phrase that Jorge knew. “Estoy bien, pero me siento mal. He tenido que vomitar.” Jorge tried to open the door, but Cindy shouted: “No! no entres! Estoy embarazada!”. That was the moment when Jorge almost died. His face became pale, his beautiful brown eyes filled with panic and his legs started quivering. After 20 seconds he started running and ran and ran and ran and ran and was never seen again…… Do you understand why? Well, Cindy wanted to say I am embarrassed in Spanish, but instead she told him that she is pregnant. So if you don’t want to put in danger the love of your life, please always remember: embarazada = pregnant, to be embarrassed = estar avergonzado/a
False Friends – Falsos Amigos
One of the worst things in life: false friends. At first they are so nice, so cool, so friendly, so awesome, so good, so understanding, always there for you – like the best friend in the world. You think they would never betray you. You trust them. You adore them. You love them. You spend almost every day with them – and then suddenly, out of nowhere, BAAAAAMMMMM they stab you in the back. What did you say? You are not afraid of false friends because there are none in your life? Sweety, believe me, they are just around the corner waiting for you. You are learning Spanish!! Didn’t anyone tell you about the horrible false friends that come along with it? Of course not. They are so powerful. I’m sure they silenced everybody. But not me! I will tell you everything, even though I put myself in extreme danger…..
Eh, What’s up Doc?
Imagine that you had a great dinner with a lot of rice, red meat, bread, eggs, cookies, cake, corn flakes, potato chips and chocolate (all mixed on a plate of course) and the next day you are sitting on the toilet but nothing happens. The next day – nothing – and on the third day still nothing! 😲 Okay, this is not normal and so you run to the doctor to tell him about your problem. Oh, I forgot, you are on vacation in Barcelona and the doctor does not speak any English. So you explain in your best Spanish: “Necesito ayuda, estoy muy constipado.” He looks at you and asks you to open your mouth. Hmmmmmmm 🤔, okay, why does he want to look in my mouth? I know I am constipated, but up to the mouth? But who am I to tell a doctor what to do… So you obey and he examines your mouth, the throat and your nose. With a puzzling look he tells you that he can’t find anything. You think to yourself: Of course, you dumbhead, I am constipated, but not up to the throat, well, not yet. You tell him “mas abajo”. Another puzzled look. With wild gestures and pantomime you explain your problem while repeatedly shouting constipado, constipado, constipado! While watching your show the doctor makes a phone call. The security guard enters and escorts you gently to the door… What happened? Instead of telling the doctor that you are constipated you told him that you have a cold. So next time if you are planing to eat a mixed plate of rice, red meat, bread, eggs, cookies, cake, corn flakes, potato chips and chocolate remember: estar constipado = having a cold, estar estreñido/a = to be constipated
This was the horrible part I – but believe me – part II will be even scarier 👻 ! So if you want to stay safe, keep reading our blog. Part II is soon to come….